Alcohol, specifically wine, has been a big part of my life for quite some time. My love for drinking began at a time when I was very shy and desperately wanting to fit in. Drinking allowed me to relax and open up-to help me be social.

Beyond giving me a false confidence in myself, it also created a romanticized way of living. After college, travel became my ultimate passion. My travels have always been filled with bountiful pours of wine and spirits “from the culture”. One month, I lived in an apartment in Paris and the amount of wine I drank in those four weeks had me in a drunken bliss for most of my time there.

As my travels have slowed down, I attempt to feel like I can have my little escape by drinking wine daily; about half a bottle a day lately.

This is not the way I want to live. This is not the person I want to be. I’ve known for the past couple of years that I have a dependency on alcohol, and I’ve battled with how to tackle it. I’ve tried moderation, not drinking on the weekdays, and keep coming back to what I am now realizing is my truth-I need to let it go.

I’ve read several books now and follow many people who have taken the sober route, and I keep noticing a common theme: they are so much happier. I’ve feared quitting completely because I worry about relationships changing. This is my choice, and I would never judge someone if their choice is to drink, but I worry people will not like the person I am without alcohol. I’m worried they will feel uncomfortable drinking around me or think I can’t participate in the same activities. I’ve reached a point where I can’t let that hold me back anymore.

I’ve had a half a bottle of petite syrah sitting on my countertop this past week, and yesterday I decided to pour it down the sink. My parents and Michael were here and offered nothing but complete support and love. As I watched the wine empty from the bottle, I cried. I felt like I was losing part of myself down the drain, but down deep I know that I am about to truly find myself.

I titled this article “I Am No Longer Alcohol’s Prisoner” because that is exactly how I have felt the past two years. It is controlling my life and I am tired of it. This is why I can’t just do moderation. Wine consumes my thoughts when I can’t have it, and I look for excuses on why it is okay to stop and pick some up at the store. I’m done.

I’m sharing this because maybe I’m not alone in feeling this way. I’m not here to preach or convince anyone about what they should do. I’m also sharing to help hold myself accountable. I don’t want to look back.

Hello, my name is Melissa, and I am choosing a sober, present life.