Today has been a roller coaster. My mom is currently in the ICU because she was barely responsive yesterday. Her local hospital transported her to the hospital by me so she could receive the treatment she needs. 

Since 2007, my mom has had a VP shunt because she suffers from hydrocephalous which is the buildup of fluid in the ventricles within her brain. This was all triggered by a brain tumor she had that was the size of a plum. Mom recovered from those procedures, and was able to continue on with life.

In 2013, I received a call from my dad while I was in Paris. He shared that my mom was on life support and that her shunt had failed. Without a properly working shunt, my mom’s life was at risk. I caught a flight as fast as I could back home. Once again, she recovered, but not at 100% this time. She could walk with assistance, but she would never drive again.

Four years later, her shunt failed her again. This time, she had an infection. They had to remove the old shunts and put in a new one. This caused an extensive deficit in abilities, and mom was sent to rehabilitation. The facility was more like a nursing home and was severely understaffed. Dad and I wanted to do everything we could to get her out of there. Unfortunately, one day while I was taking her to the bathroom, I lost her. She became imbalanced and although I did everything I could to stop her from falling, she hit her head on the wall. A couple of days later, she was immobile and unresponsive. It was back to the hospital again. The shunt had been damaged and they had to once again replace it. I never knew if my dropping her caused the malfunction, but I definitely blame myself for not being more careful. This time she did not come back to us walking. Since then, my mom has been wheel-chair bound and at times, bed-ridden.

Yesterday, her shunt was not working properly again. Originally, they thought it was either another infection, or an obstruction somewhere along the line. Surgery was planned, but then cancelled when they discovered the shunt programming was not accurate. They adjusted the level, and all of a sudden, mom seemed more responsive. They will monitor her the next couple of days, but hopefully the issue has now been resolved.

During the time when I thought she was going back into surgery, I felt a great since of fear. One of the doctors talked with me about a do not resuscitate order. Informally, I have become my mom’s health care agent, but I didn’t feel comfortable making this decision alone. Do we say yes to paddles, but no to intubation? We needed intubation last time, but do we want it this time? If they were to do surgery, how much more of mom would we lose? What does my mom want? Is she in the right mindset to know what is best? How can we be the ones to decide on life or death? Gah. Fortunately I have my dad to converse with, but the truth is, he doesn’t know either. I think the best case scenario is we don’t have to decide the fate of my mom’s life. It is too big. 

I’m feeling much more hopeful right now, but I also feel very reflective. As I’ve mentioned in another post, I am really trying to explore my spirituality and I feel stronger as I get closer and closer to knowing what I believe. One thing I like to do is “listen” to nature. There has been many times I have felt an answer in the wind or an uplift of hope in the song of a bird. I decided to take a walk around the hospital after lunch, and it is as if the world was reflecting the good news we received. The clouds dispersed and the sun lit up the Earth. The birds were singing and I found peace in knowing that things are going to be okay. At least for right now. The photos in this post are form my uplifting walk.

I know there will be a day where we might have to make difficult decisions, or things will not be okay, but until then, I will appreciate this break.